Idle Mind
Fight or flight, whatcha gonna do?
If I were to treat this newsletter like my personal diary or journal, I’d probably be more apt to post updates and other ideas on a more consistent basis. But recently, I had somewhat of an idea that being chronically online does not make or break your success. Sure, being accessible and visible may help influence consumers but in the end, the internet doesn’t really hold any weight in how successful you become. I won’t lie though, I often think about what would happen if I were to fully commit to the ideas of others and bring their gimmicky practices into my daily routine. Yeah, I considered it but then I had another thought: what is for you, is for you. You won’t miss it.
I have my doubts. I have my beliefs. I have my confidence and desire to succeed but at the end of it all, I know everything worthwhile takes time. That’s why I sometimes wish I was born in another generation because this technology stuff has left an undeniable imprint on my brain and I’m desperately trying to shake it. I am not admitting defeat or addiction and I shouldn’t have to explain this but I am distracted by conflicting ideas, beliefs about the world that no longer seem to serve any real purpose; also fighting the urge to give up, navigating parenthood, a monogamous relationship, work and my writing career and most important of all–my relationship with God. Normal stuff, sure, but it’s not normal to me.
Nothing should ever feel this heavy. Nothing should ever feel overwhelming when you’re on the right path. Nothing should ever feel uncertain when what you believe is of your own doing. Nothing should feel the way it does but it does, is it okay? I’m not sure. I’ve been struggling with completing my ideas. I’ve been struggling with creating beat sheets for my present work(s) in progress. I’ve been struggling with letting everyone know that ‘now’s not the time’ but again, that may be because I am distracted and no longer solely focused on the goals I’ve strategically set out to accomplish. I may need to re-evaluate everything and start fresh because running on fumes is not helpful. At all.
I should feel accomplished but I’m not where I want to be in life, so why rest? Why give myself grace and honor? I tell my friend to be kind to herself and be kind to her mind all the time yet I secretly hold myself to an almost impossible standard. Does that make me a hypocrite? Yeah.. like these are the facts of the unfortunate so do what you will with that information.
I’m really unsure what to do. I’m walking through this tunnel with no light in sight or sense of direction but.. I’m still walking because my faith won’t allow me to do anything else. Even as I sit here and type these words, I am uncertain of the goal of this. I am uncertain of where it will lead or if it’ll actually help anyone. But I do know that I do not feel any better or any worse after doing so. My feeling of indifference is part of the issue. Like I’ve started reading more consistently hoping the spark comes back but still, pixie dust and nothingness flutters about. And to be honest, that’s kind of crazy given several ideas won’t leave me be.
As I said, I have quite a few short projects running simultaneously. I have three novel ideas. I have two film ideas. A boat load of songwriting ideas. I haven’t created the beat sheets for either of them because I think of them daily. I haven’t written anything because I’m distracted. I have been distracted because.. well, I don’t know but I’m distracted. And I’m not saying any of this because I’m seeking advice or wishing to update the world on my personal dealings but writing is how I make sense of everything.. so here we are. Like bruh, I even tried rationalizing portions of writing to ensure the task is done. It has never gotten to this point before but it’s here now. And if you don’t know what that means, here you go: 5k words per month for 8 months is 40k words and that’ll be classified as a novella but 10k words per month for 12 months would put you over the edge for publishing your first novel.. so whatcha gonna do?
Only time will tell… and hopefully working at my local bookstore will help remedy this dilemma.
Until next time…
